On a toilet brush: "Do not use for personal hygiene." On a
children's scooter: "This product moves when used." On a
digital thermometer: "Once used rectally, the thermometer
should not be used orally." (Unless, of course, you've
scrubbed it with a toilet brush.)

Those three warnings were the top winners in the eighth
annual Wacky Warning Label Contest, sponsored by Michigan
Lawsuit Abuse Watch. The goal of the contest is to "reveal
how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a
need for common sense warnings on products."

The winning labels from previous contests seem just as
wacky, until you realize that they're also rather helpful.

On a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding." (If
necessary, the stroller may be folded, too.)

On a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook on the
end: "Harmful if swallowed." (Please don't tell the fish.)

On a hair dryer: "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
(Even if you keep dreaming of having great hair.)

On a household iron: "Never iron clothes while they are
being worn." (Unless you're trying to remove both layers of
wrinkles.)

On an electric drill made for carpenters: "This product not
intended for use as a dental drill." (However, you may use
it to drill your dentist.)

On a cartridge for a laser printer: "Do not eat toner."
(Trust me, it's much safer to lie in the sun.)

On a box of birthday cake candles: "Do not use soft wax as
ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion
into a body cavity." (It may be your birthday, but please
find another way to celebrate.)

On a bottle of drain cleaner: "If you do not understand, or
cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not
use this product." (Unless you have tested it on your skin
first.)

Those warnings may seem silly, but as Joanne Doroshow,
executive director of the Center for Justice and Democracy
in New York, told the Associated Press, "There are many
cases of warning labels saving lives. It's much better to be
very cautious." That's why I propose a few other warnings:

On a bottle of beer: "Excessive consumption of this product
may result in various acts of stupidity."

On the backseat of a car: "Wearing a seat belt will protect
you from most accidents, but probably not pregnancy."

On a marriage certificate: "Failure to remember the date on
this document may be harmful to your health."

On a motorcycle helmet: "This product may protect your
brain. Use with extreme caution."

On a women's handbag: "This product is not intended to hold
all your life's possessions."