Salam ,
I would like to share this interesting poem with you

The Wailing Wall

A heart that carved death in stone,
And a flowery thistle singing,
A tone.

My people try nothing to be,
Except wailing,
In front of me,
In front of all,
In front the Wailing Wall !!

Oh mason how I pity you.
Oh destruction.
Oh religion,
What shall I do?

I'll inject these words in Kings and try,
But let's first say: Goodbye.

written by brother: Aouni Tachech (admin. of Zira3a net ) i



ترجمة القصيدة:

حـائط المبكى

قلب حفر الموت بالصخور
و لحن ينشده شوكٌ ذو زهور

قومي لا يحاولون فعل شيء سوى
النواح
ينوحون أمامي
أمام الجميع
أمام حائط المبكى !!

أيها البنّاء.. كم أشفق عليك
يا للدّمار !
وا ديناه ! ما العمل؟

سأحقن هذه الكلمات في آذان الملوك
و أحاول المستطاع
و لكن قبل ذلك دعوني أقول:
الــــــوداع !

لا بأس، فيه شيء من الركاكة (النسخة الإنجليزية) فانتقلت مع الترجمة

ماذا تقصد بالركاكة

هناك كلمات في النسخة العربية تحتاج إلى استبدال كي تحافظ على موسيقى القصيدة

مثل ماذا ..

الركاكة التي عنيت وردت هنا
A tone
وهنا:
My people try nothing to be
وهنا:
In front the Wailing Wall

do u have better suggestions?

I'll try to offer some: i
The problem with the first one is that one normally sings a tune or a note not a tone. so I suggest the following: i


A heart that carved death in stone,
And a flowery thistle humming,
A monotonous tone.



On the second and third remarks the structure is incorrect, my suggestion would be: i


My people try hard to be,
Nothing except wailing,
In front of me,
In front of all,
In front of the Wailing Wall !!

Ah I see , I think he dropped the "of" accidentaly

When I first posted the poem I was expecting comments on the content
but now I was surprised that all comments were on the form

The form is the bridge to the content, so if the bridge is shaky or broken we will not get to the content.

you didn't get to the content yet?

let me first work on the translation a bit:
حـائط المبكى

قلب حفر الموت بالصخور
و لحن ينشده شوكٌ ذو زهور

قومي لا يفعلون شيئا سوى
النواح
ينوحون أمامي
أمام الجميع
أمام حائط النواح!!

يا حجر البناء.. كم أشفق عليك
يا للدّمار !
واهٍ للدين! ما العمل؟

سأحقن هذه الكلمات في عروق الملوك
و أحاول المستطاع
و لكن قبل ذلك دعوني أقول:
الــــــوداع !

To be perfectly honest I did not grasp the meaning that the author intended.
The idea seems to revolve around the hypocracy of the jews and the weakness and inaptitude of our leaders.
I salute him for the true emotion the pours through the words but I believe that it could've been structured in a much stronger and clearer way.

ok so it is me who is to be blamed for the translation

anyhow, concerning the English piece,
if this one had that weak structure
so I suppose mine weren't better
but were luckily safe from criticism

Dear moqawim,

I read the comments you posted. There are many things you said which are worth giving attention. I did really like one of your suggestions which I am going to adopt.

[My people try hard to be,
Nothing except wailing,]
In front of me,
In front of all,
In front of the Wailing Wall !!

As to the other suggestion, I don't agree with you that a poet should strictly abide to the grammar of English language; there is what we call the "poetic licence" which enables the poet to abandon grammar rules in certain situations for the sake of rhyme, sound, stress, etc... So this is why I droped "of" in one of the above lines. I did as well write - intentionally - "try nothing to be excpet wailing" because I wanted the image to appear as if the people themselves have become the "wailing" per se; they are not DOING the wailing, but they ARE the wailing! Anyway, I liked your version more because the second line didn't initially rhyme with other lines but now it has acquired what we call an "internal rhyme": Nothing except wailing.

Thank you for your suggestion and expect me to edit the poem on my blog:
http://aouniz.blogspot.com

Big thanks to "um waraqa" for her translation which I liked much and I think the best till now.
Salam.

Dear Aouni
Assalamu Alaikum


Let me be the first to welcome you to our forum, and wish you many happy returns to it


Thank you for accepting the critical analysis of your poem and for explaining your point of view


As for the matter of abandoning the English Grammar at times of poetic necessity I agree with you fully however, I did not feel your example applies. Is it possible for you to bring examples where the proposition was dropped in a similar manner to that which you've used?


Also there is the matter of "tone" and "tune". You used the word tone to imply a tune. You may want to revise that.


In general, I am not a fan of modern poetry or modernism (الحداثة) as a whole for that matter. I prefer being clear and direct to the abstract. This is not to say that I don’t like symbolism or painting vivid pictured with poetic verse, only that they have to be rooted in reality or plausible imaginative situations.

wa3alaykum assalam
I've checked the dictionary for "tone" and "tune" and found that both has the same meaning. The first one is more attributed to the voice or to the writer's tone, but it does also suggest the meaning of a "tune".

Dropping a [verb to be] or a [preposition] or whatever grammatical rule, is a widely adopted technique by modern poets. Unfortunately you are not one of the admirers of modern poerty, but at the same time you will have to accept its presence.

I will quote lines from T. S. Eliot's "Murder in the Cathedral" which supports my idea. Eliot ,by the way, is one of the most famous poets and playrights in the 20th century. He won the Noble Prize for literature in 1948. Many Arab poets were influenced by him.

O late late late, late is the time, late too late, and rotten the year;
Evil the wind, and bitter the sea, and grey the sky, grey grey grey.
O Thomas, return, Archbishop; return to France.
Return. Quickly. Quietly. Leave us to perish in quiet.

I am afraid the poet dropped most of the grammar rules in the excerpt above. He could have said for instance: "Evil is the wind" but he dropped the [is] for a certain reason.

I am glad to be a member of this forum & I'll try to keep myself updated with it.

I am glad to be a member of this forum & I'll try to keep myself updated with it.



Welcome to the forum , and we hope to see your contributions here as well

Ma Sha2 Allah we gained a lot of poets.
Br. Aouni, I am really glad to see your writings in our forum and your discussion and In Sha2 Allah we would learn from you and all the bro and sis.