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مشاهدة النسخة كاملة : ُExclusion



أم ورقة
12-30-2007, 08:04 AM
I heard they have excluded you?
The boat is sailing there without you?


I heard you were left behind
and by now are out of mind
Don't worry if you sail alone
your boat welcomes all
while theirs welcomes none :)


Don't worry if they reach before,i
For they may not be heading
to the same shore :)


let me assure you
it is not you who have been excluded
it is THEY who have excluded themselves
from you
:)

مقاوم
01-02-2008, 04:22 AM
Very beautiful meanings.

The 1st line of the third section needs revision

I think you mean "assure you" in last section. i

من هناك
01-02-2008, 04:54 AM
Deep and transparent meanings indeed.

Revise: and by now is out of mind

أم ورقة
01-02-2008, 09:39 AM
The 1st line of the third section needs revision



You mean this one?


Don't worry if they reached before




in what sense it needs revision? in form or content







I think you mean "assure you" in last section. i






maybe assure is better

أم ورقة
01-02-2008, 09:44 AM
.

Revise: and by now is out of mind


Same question: form or content?

مقاوم
01-02-2008, 10:45 AM
I meant the form. The manner in whiche you used the term before is incorrect I think, it needs to be qualified to be understood.

You should say before whom or before what. you meant to say that they've reached ahead of the subject of your poem.

Here are my suggestions

I heard they have excluded you?
The boat is sailing there without you?

I heard you were left behind
and by now are out of mind
Don't worry if you sail alone
your boat welcomes all
while theirs welcomes none :)

Don't try to race them like before,i
For they may not be heading
to the same shore :)

let me assure you
it is not you who have been excluded
it is THEY who have excluded themselves
from you

أم ورقة
01-02-2008, 10:51 AM
Don't try to race them like before,

but the meaning I like to emphasize is
that one shouldn't worry if the others have preceded him in reaching the destination

مقاوم
01-02-2008, 10:57 AM
that's exsctly the meaning in
Don't try to race them
meaning: let them get ahead, it's ok

it's just a suggestion, I know that a poem ia very personal thing and it's not easy accept others' intrusions sometimes so don't worry, it's ok to say: "butt out, this is how I like it and this is how it's staying" :) i